Well, I sure meant to post a bit more this year, but spent a lot of time thinking about it and less time doing it. Though I did do a bunch of other stuff, like had my first kayak experience and traveled to Ireland by myself and biked around gorgeous Donegal County. But I recently looked back on my journal and felt that my November 7th thoughts would be a nice post for the end of 2018. And I also am sharing a few pictures from Christmas. Kesha kitty made sure we never got that puzzle made...
The picture of the rainbow tunnel is a cool image for 2019. May we all enter the new year through a rainbow tunnel of sorts.
There is something so delicate and crazy beautiful about realizing that life has been good and has delivered so much to you, maybe more than many people on earth have been able to have. I feel that at 55, I have already been gifted many enormous things! Kids, big love, education and fulfilling work! Whatever is left is pure grace. Still, I do dream of my life moving forward and with hope of discovering new things and finding out new ways to love. Can I find new ways to love now?
I wonder if I will find it with another, in another, or if it’ll be more in myself and in god, life.
I don’t worry as much as I used to about the length of my life. Of course I want to live to be 100! But at the same time I know that I probably won’t and that the nature of life is wild and surprising, mysterious, deadly. I think too that I trust the fact that my kids will remember me now, even if I die too soon. We’ve had enough time together for them to have internalized me (for better and worse I’m sure, snort snort) and carry me with them for the rest of their lives. I love them more than anything.
I’ve been trying to build faith, faith in life. Trust. Developing the sense that I am not totally in control of what happens to my life. I can control what I do in my life but then life itself has an agenda too. Like they say in AA, living life on life’s terms. I’m trying.
Honestly I do want more travel, another big love, home ownership for crying-out-loud (more on that another time) but I have moments when I remember, that I won’t feel any different even if I get those things. My life is my life. Period. Breathe in, accept the mid-life belly, the rolls, the chin hairs that pop out suddenly and send shame waves though my limbs. Rest in the fact that I’ve found dignity in being truthful, happiness in allowing this moment.